100 Hyunjas

because I'm bored, and because meg did it first.  :]

001.


Real name → Hyun Ja

002.


Nickn​ame(​s)​ → Hyuny, Hyunjiee, Hyun


003.


Zodia​c sign → Saggitarius

004.


Male or femal​e → Female

005.


First​ Schoo​l → Marion T Morse.


006.


Middl​e Schoo​l → PWS.


007.


College → Still in highschool.


008.


Hair colou​r → dirty blonde, golden brown, whatever


009.


Long or short​ → Longish.


010.


Loud or Quiet​ → Around strangers im very quiet and around family im very loud. like the rest of the world :]



011.


Sweat​s or Jeans​ → Jeans fo shizzle meh nizzle


012.


Phone​ or Camer​a → Camera phone? chyeahhhh



013.


Healt​h freak​ → uhm not really, I guess about certain things maybe a little. yah know what im sayin?



014.


Drink​ or Smoke​?​ → Neithahhh coz im cool like that.



015.


Do you have a crush​ on someo​ne?​ → haha no. like honestly, who has crushes anymore?


016.


Eat or Drink​ → Drink TEA.



017.


Pierc​ings → nothing, because im cool like that.



018.


Tatto​os → nonnnneeeeeeeee




HAVE YOU EVER?​

019.


Been in an airpl​ane →fesho



020.


Been in a relat​ionsh​ip → uhm not like "OOOH YOU'RE MY LOVER" kinda relationship :] more like bffs.


021.


Been in a car accid​ent → not a serious one



022.


Been in a fist fight​ → err not really?




FIRST​S:​

023.


First​ pierc​ing → your face! oh buuuuuuuuuuuurn


024.


First​ best frien​d → Kiyomi Todd? yah huh



025.


First​ award​ → uhhhh basketball?


026.

First kiss → not yet :] saving that one.

027.

First pet  → err probs a giunea pig

028.


First​ big vacat​ion → BRAZIL!!



LASTS​:​

029.


Last perso​n you talke​d to → my dad


030.


Last perso​n you texte​d → Naomi



031.


Last perso​n you watch​ed a DVD with → Noami and Kiyomi


032.


Last food you ate → orange



033.


Last movie​ you watch​ed alone​ → uhhhhhhhhhhhh.... nothing?



034.


Last song you liste​ned to → Kissing the lipless- the shins


035.


Last thing​ you bough​t → candy for blackjack betting mwahahahhaha


036.


Last perso​n you hugge​d → nomes





037.


Food → burrito/taco

So it's sort of like, this struggle with who I am, who I can be, what I want to be and who I am expected to be.

and half the time I cannot tell the difference. I especially cannot see who I am in simplicity.

it's strange because I am aware of how people see me and so many people see me differently. but I feel like none of them have the whole picture. not even kiyomi. I try to piece them together but so little of the shards i find actually define myself.

and then I see a future, I see my husband and kids and all that I know will come. but it's so disconnected from my present situation. a blurry sunny broken up piece of old home video. mostly because that's how I remember my own childhood. my idea of family...

and then there's what I want to be. I have these grand dreams of learning tai kwon do in the chinese mountains and owning an orchard in california...obviously not very realistic ones. and even though I gave up on them a long time ago, I feel like for some reason that hope is coming back. Because my future is so close I can taste it. I just don't know what there is beyond this. they say that in the end we shall become as children. but then there is a small fear. I am not naturally talented, not ambitious and not most definately not competitive. There are many things I would love to do and I feel I have at least a small potential for. I have good grades in school, I'm pretty smart, but for what end? I will never want to have a job that is like school. a lawyer, a doctor, an accountant, I just want to live a peaceful life. but what guaruntee is there in that? concerning money or other wise?

it's so hazy. my entire future is hazy. cut off from my current life. but of course there is an underlying meaning to everything, a secret web of love, the pulse of the human race, the bloodlife of it. but there is so very much to distract. and when you focus on something so infinite and ... and consuming it becomes difficult to stand living such a petty life. It makes me want to just cry.

who I am expected to be...

first off there is a small conflict within myself concerning the church. mostly this has to do with bcs who have wandered away. they want me to understand them they try to explain their viewpoint and such. It is not that I find them to be bad people, in fact it is just that fact that sets my heart awry. I love them so I want them to see beyond themselves. To find a peace within themselves. and then also I can see their viewpoint and see it very realisticly and clearly. I see that the principle has many twist and turns of religious reference that we do not understand or care heartisticly about. I see also the difference in viewpoint between 1st Gen and 2nd Gen which is often the difference in their conviction in the "principle" and our only conviction in love. which is really true. I think what keeps me going and understanding is really my sister arielle. I can somehow through her connect a true conviction in the principle to a more heartistic viewpoint.           so this would be the expectations of 2nd Gen and 1st Gen?

secondly there are the expectations of my peers at school. While these are not pressing nor have anything to do with my inner life, they are very often the only thing that occupies my thoughts. Obviously not on purpose. But it is a natural tendency to be influenced by the people around you. and I can be. This is where it becomes confusing. Because what part of me at school is part of who I am? is it none? is it some?... but then when I think clearly about it now, this is who I am. When I look at things objectively like this, I can be who I am.

haha also as a last note I think I am really the type to rise to the occasion. If people need advice from me or they want to talk about something then I can think clearly like this (this whole blog came about because of a conversation with Ranin) but often times if I have no one to advise then I can't see like this. I am englufed in my own misery. hmmm I wonder what that says about me? about my future? haha oh well :]

I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I'm going to admit it now.

That thing that I always wish for.

It's you.

Whoever you are.

It is often, at random, that I crave for something.

and this something is strange

strange and beautiful

because even though I desire it for myself

I also desire to give it

at the same time

so all I'm missing

is you

a hug

you know that maybe all that back pain

people have

is probably mostly from that ache they have

for someone to wrap their arms around them

and bring them forward.

Today I woke up at NooN. I didn't want to. Perhaps it would have been a good idea to set an alarm.

I dislike alarms though.

Give up and turn into my mother god knows I love her.

I hold anxieties, concerning my upcoming exams. It has always been difficult for me to accept my own weakness. But I think once I can, then I will be able to put my tests to the wind. Because the wind should end up taking them away in any case.

I am reaching a place. I think I feel as if I have come back to a point of understanding that sustained me through the latter portion of the year.

It seems I have a cycle

that I go through.

I cannot pretend that I understand the cause of this cycle

nor the indepth details

I will only say: If I had someone to be where I am now, with me. I might be able go forward

and not fall backwards.

I feel like, I should write a book

to help myself remember these ponderings that consume my soul.

but it's not words that make up that most of it.

I can only feel what it is that I know.

So how then do I keep a memoir of my heart?

I should hope one day

that someone will be my memoir.

won't you be my memoir?

But everybody says this place is beautiful
And you'd be so crazy to say goodbye
But everything's the same this town is pitiful
And I'll be gettin' out as soon as I can fly

It seems being normal, is entirely dependent on myself.

Seeing as no one else is.

More than anything else, who I am shouldn't be for others.

Especially not these "others"

but does that then connotate that I shouldn't try at all? but what would I try?

maybe I just have to be happy. Its certainly seems that way.

Happy to be happy. because being alive is happiness.

But when I think of being being happy I choke up and my eyes swell. and I have to flare my nostrils in order to keep from crying.

it's like this curse. Whenever I try to look inside to find something better, to understand this mess, this muddled beauty that surrounds me, I just choke. I stop I can't think.

arielle says, dig deeper. but I'm afraid of what's inside.

half the time I don't even know why I'm crying. its's like I'm traumatized.

I don't want to pity myself. and maybe that's what I'm doing. or it is.

I feel like I ahve to drive it out of me. but I don't want to dry out my heart like an old shrrune and never be able to feel again.

I know I know I know

it's all about viewpoint, about heart.

If I could see myself though your eyes...

I can. I know I know I know.

like a child who knows she should clean up her spilled beverage, but instead leaves it.

she knows she knows she knows..

but she cannot see. she is blind to her mother's harried self.

she doesn't want to see, or hear.

she doesn't want to dig.

what is ignorance? innocence?

dig, hyunja. you know.

EDIT*

hmmm maybe also I'm just limiting myself. Arielle said that too. maybe when I can finally learn to open my eyes all the way and my heart, then I won't cry anymore. It's just that... right now it's so difficult.....

Autoclave

Hand me your hand, let me look in your eyes
As my last chance to feel human begins to vaporize
Maybe it’s the heat in here, maybe it’s the pressure
You ought to head for the exits, the sooner the better

I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no one in her right mind would make her home my home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

When I try to open up to you I get completely lost
Houses swallowed by the earth, windows thick with frost
And I reach deep down within, but the pathways twist and turn
and there’s no light anywhere, and nothing left to burn

And I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no emotion that’s worth having could call my heart its home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

I dreamt that I was perched atop a throne of human skulls
On a cliff above the ocean, howling wind and shrieking seagulls
And the dream went on forever, one single static frame
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

And I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no one in her right mind would make her home my home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

aye mio